wow its been a long time since i've been on here. feels good to be back.

like anyone out there cares honestley. but hell with it. my parents are getting a divorce and if anyone has had that happened then you get how it feels..well my story kills me everytime i tell it. he was my last hope. he was suppose to be different and not walk out. but he did. he didn't care and let me with nothing, no hope, no faith, no apology or anything. i was standing there when he walked. and it kilss be cuz i could have stopped it and i just let it happen all over again. it felt like a nightmare and i was trying to wake up and i just couldn't. you feel as though your world is gonna fall apart and your going to eventualy break. its the worst feeling. i have to be strong for my family and its the hardest part. the worst part of it...is at night you can just walk the rooms of the kids and hear the sniffles and see the empty tissue box laying next to the floor. idk how people can smile and find a way to look at this and give me some type of hope that things are over yet...but reality is i can't bring him back nor to i want to force him to. the kids took it pretty hard. and most of all my mom did. i've been there all 4 times a guy has walked out on my mom..i was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on and just been there if she needed someone to hold her. she gets a little better everytime. but truth is i really think parts of you can die. and its only so long till your dead completely inside and out.
i sat in my bed and just thought what else is there for me to do and all i could do was scream. i screamed at god at the world and everything. i've never been as religous as much as i would have liked to have been. but i felt no reason to feel like there was someone out there to help me. but there really isn't. if i could just be numb and act as though things never happened i would but i can't just forget. it plays over in my head and it just slowly kills every happiness you have and somehow you feel like you could have been different in so many ways. i hate to feel like i'm useless worthless because it just leaves you thinking that there's nothing left you can go to. and to top that all off things are even worse with my boyfriend whose an idiot. jk i love him but he's not easy to talk to and he infact asked me not to cry infront of him so dispite the fact that i'm literally breaking...he wants me to keep it together...and i know i have to. but it just shows i can't trust anyone anymore. not even him and thats the one thing i promised myself i would let get in the way of my personal life. if i could just be held for just me...and be held,they don't look at you, or try to kiss you or look at you, or say anything..they just hold you. and for once maybe things will fall back together..who knows.

i went to a gig at wheels n'motion and it was awsome. the bands were just great. but there was a band of just 2 guys that caught my attention. they were called such novel fate. just a guitar and piano and it was amazing. the music really catches you. well i eventually started talking to the guys and i have to admit they were both drop dead gorgeous and so i was probably blushing the whole time. matty was the one i had my eye on the other had a gf. i wasn't expecting to like fall in love with the guy but it was amazing i was talking to a drop dead gorgeous guy who could sing and play piano. i got his # actually i paid my friend $4.25 to do it for me. then txted him. well he's way to old for me, ur talkin college student. oopps! well he's awsome and it was just weird how much he was like gorgeous and i was talking to him. he kept lookin at me so i was like omg. do i have something stuck to my forehead or something. lol. but yea. i've been smiling all day. just one of them things. its obvious friends is all we'll be but thats fine with me.

grr...today was a little harsh. i got some really funky looks at school today. not sure why. and the guy that i liked and am suppose to be gettin with. took a turn for the worse. he's now tryin to get with the girl who my x cheated on me with. tell me thats not screwed up. yea. but he acts like i don't even know and i do. i guess a girl can only compete for so long. and this chick grr...yes. she's skinnier and prettier then me so i'm kinda like screwed so i'm not winnin on the one. so bummer! not a whole lot to say then this sucks

today my tummy hurts and i'm in a pretty good mood. today in jazz lab i got a new song. and its awsome!! woot woot!! tony spilled my coffee all over the floor b/c i had it next to my case in the locker room i walk in and tony's on the floor cleanin it up!
grr..for being at school at 6:30 am i NEEDED coffee. thats probably why me tummy hurts. then i went to starbuck with the girls and i got a free mocha espresso! and i got a grande mocha frap orginally. it was so good. heaven! anyway...
i went running today and got at least a couple miles in! i havent ran in so long i was sure i wouldn't make it around the block but i did! just to make sure i wouldn't die i ran around the block 2wice before leaving the block completely! heheeheh well anyway i think i have wrote enough for today. i hope everyoenes day was great!